Here are three quick acronyms to remember when thinking about consent and boundaries. If you're not sure how or where consent applies, or if you need to create yourself some quick boundaries and hard lines, then remember CLEAR, CARE and BORDERS.

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CLEAR - when consenting, consider:

• Continuous - Check-Ins: Keep checking in, especially in ongoing situations.
• Listen Up - Pay attention to the other person’s words and body language. If it doesn't feel right, for now, you have a right to stop.
• Equality - Power is rarely equal. Know your privilege and experience. Be kind and considerate.
• Ask Clearly - Use straightforward questions like “Is this okay with you?”
• Respect the Answer - If someone says no or seems unsure, stop and check in. Try not to rush things. 

 

CARE - having consent respected will impact us in a positive way. Consider the below: 

• Control - Being in control of our own sex life and having your boundaries respected will allow us to establish better relationships and have better sex.
• Affirmation - Agreeing our boundaries makes us feel safer. Even better when the other partner(s) paraphrase your boundaries so you both understand.
• Reducing anxiety - When we don’t have to worry that our sexual partners aren’t going to respect your limits, it can make us less anxious when it comes to sex. Communicate how you feel throughout – this may be a mixture of verbal and non-verbal gestures.
• Empower - Having a sense of agency over our own body will build confidence and build better relationships. Talk about what you want.

 

BORDERS – creating a clear borders around what you want and expect.

• Be clear what your limits are - On sex and dating apps, state clearly what you are up for. If you're not sure what the person you are chatting to is into, then ask them. If you’re not into the same things, then consider giving them a miss, or be clear about what you're not willing to do before meeting. 
• Only do what you enjoy - If you don’t want something, then you can say no. You’re not a ‘party pooper’ for saying no and you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. The more comfortable you are with what you’re doing, the more fun you’ll have.
• Right to change your mind - You can change your mind - Just because you've started, it doesn't mean you have to finish. If you have stopped enjoying it, you can tell them to stop. It's your body and you decide what happens.
• Dignity for us and others to further increase respect and safety and having pleasurable sex.
• Equality – know your own position of privilege from your sexual experience and check-in with the other person to maintain the boundaries.
• Respect Healthy boundaries protect our personal dignity and relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. Boundaries are personal, context-specific, and can change over time.
• Safe Words – agree on a safe word such as ‘Bananas’ or another fruit to verbalise ‘Let’s take a break’, STOP etc. Non-verbal cues? – i.e. Raising a hand  – make sure you both test out this non-verbal cue first so there is no confusion. 

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Get help and support

Rape Crisis England & Wales has a 24/7 helpline. You can call the Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line on 0808 500 2222. You can also chat to them online at 247sexualabusesupport.org.uk.

Galop, the LGBTQ+ anti-abuse charity has a helpline, email and web chat at www.galop.org.uk. Helpline: 0800 999 5428.

Find further help and support in our directory.